Father Ted sounds
| Father Furlong | You know like that film alive, when they get into the plane crash and they have to eat all their friends. Look, here's me eating Tony... Nmmm ...Nmmm... Nmmm... And Tony would be going, 'Oh no get off me I'm not dead yet!' And I'd be going, 'But I'm hungry Tony' and Tony would be going 'Oh no go way, go way.' Wouldn't you Tony ha ha. Oh and here's Tony's parents when they hear that I've eaten Tony. 'Uuuuhhh. Why did you eat Tony? Tony was our only son.' And then I'd be at the funeral and I'd be going better not... |
| Tony | Will you shut up? |
| Dougal | I've never met a celebrity before. |
| Father Ted | You met the Pope. |
| Dougal | Did I? |
| Father Ted | Don't you remember when we were in Rome? |
| Dougal | That was the Pope? That fella living in the art gallery? |
| Father Ted | The Vatican, Dougal. That was the Vatican. |
| Dougal | All the same I wouldn't say he's a celebrity like in the true sense of the word you know. |
| Father Ted | The Pope is God's representative on Earth, Dougal. |
| Dougal | You think he'd be taller! |
| Dougal | Right, it's a one word film. There can't be too many of them... Salem's Lot... Eh tongue, mouth, teeth... Is there a film called tongue... tongue tongue... Eh... mmm... Tongue Fish... Swim Tongue... eh eh eh... Fish... Attack of the Giant Killer Fish... Tongue Fish... Eh The Deep, Piranha... Jaws 2, eh close then... eh... Ghostbusters 2, Superman 2, ... Batman Returns! |
| Father Ted | No, you had it it was Jaws! |
| Dougal | No, I'd Jaws 2, Ted. It's a different film, it's a very different film. It's a different shark. |
| Mrs. Doyle | And speaking of cake, I have cake. |
| Father Ted | I'm fine for cake, Mrs. Doyle. |
| Mrs. Doyle | Are you sure Father? There's cocaine in it. |
| Father Ted | There's what? |
| Mrs. Doyle | Oh no, not cocaine, what am I on about? No, I meant, what do you macallit ... Raisins! |
| Bishop O'Neill | So, Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you've been worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that? |
| Dougal | Well, you know the way God made us all right and eh, he's looking down on us from heaven and everything. And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that. |
| Bishop O'Neill | Well, yes. |
| Dougal | And when we die we're all going to go to heaven. |
| Bishop O'Neill | Yes. What about it? |
| Dougal | Well, that's the part I have trouble with. |
| Bishop Facks | A spin in the army would do them a world of good! |
| Father Jack | That would be an ecumenical matter. |
| Dougal | Can I stay up tomorrow night to watch the scary film? |
| Father Ted | Ah, no, no, no, no. The last time you watched a scary film you had to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind but it wasn't even a scary film. |
| Dougal | C'mon now, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. Driving all over the place and going mad. If that's not scary, I don't know what is. |
| Dougal | God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everybody dressing in black and saying our Lord is going to come back and judge us all. |
| Father Ted | No, no, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism that you're talking about. |
| Dougal | Oh right! |
| Father Ted | Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta? |
| Dougal | Ah... no. |
| Father Ted | She was here last year. And then we stayed with her back in the convent back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that! And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card. Ah, you must remember, Dougal. |
| Sister Assumpta | And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? And then we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? You had to be rescued by helicopter! |
| Father Ted | Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers? You don't remember! You were wearing your blue jumper. |
| Dougal | Ah, Sister Assumpta, now I remember. |
| Father Ted | How long has Father Jack been living in there? |
| Dougal | Eh, he started just a few days after you left. |
| Father Ted | Maybe he's agoraphobic. |
| Dougal | Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted! |
| Dougal | I'm not surprised Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now. |
| Father Ted | Why? |
| Dougal | Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so that it can leap up at you better. And do you know what, Ted, it lights up at night, and em, it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back up ears... and its claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps and Mrs. Doyle was telling me it has magnets on its tail so if you are made out of metal it can attach onto you and instead of a mouth it has four arses. |
| Dougal | We were just talking about that fella, Curt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. God, how did he manage to survive that? |
| Father Ted | Eh. He didn't. He died. |
| Dougal | Oh right. |
| Father Ted | Alright, this is a long shot, but it's our only hope. I'm going to leave this pen and paper here and hopefully in the morning God will have written down what we should do. |
| Dougal | That is a long shot. |
| Father Ted | What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them. |
| Dougal | A shower of bastards. |
| Ted | Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes! |
| Dougal | Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps here. |
| Ted | His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he? |
| Dougal | God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like — Hitler or one of those mad fellas. |
| Ted | Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning. |
| Dougal | Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it. |
| Ted | (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'. |
| Dougal | Where? |
| Father Ted | Oh and the language out of her, you wouldn't hear it from a docker. |
| Dougal | Ah, you would, they use very bad language. |
| Father Ted | F'in this and F'in that. |
| Dougal | It was worse than that Ted, she was saying fu... |
| Father Ted | Now Dougal! |
